10 Ways to Ruin Durza's Holidays
by SMARTALIENQT
Summary: The title is more than a little self-explanatory, no? If you still don’t know what this is about, I suggest you read something else. Flames will be used to roast their senders on a spit. My first-ever fic, so R&R! Now with added bonus! by SMARTALIENQT


**Title:** 10 Ways To Ruin Durza's Holidays

**Author:** SMARTALIENQT

**Summary:** The title is more than a little self-explanatory, no? If you still don't know what this is about, I suggest you read something else. Flames will be used to roast their senders on a spit.

**Disclaimer:** Eragon is owned by Christopher Poalini. I am not Christopher Poalini. If I were Christopher Poalini, I would be off writing something, or giving away the rights to my new book to the evil writers who messed up _Eragon: The Movie_. Since I am not Christopher Poalini, I am not doing any of this, simply posting my humorous ways to sadden Durza.

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**10 Ways To Ruin Durza's Holidays**

10. Ask him to go cut down a Christmas tree – by hand – then change your mind after he has dragged it five miles.

9. When he asks why, explain to him, slowly, that you can't let him near any trees, not after what happened _last_ time in a certain forest with a certain elf.

8. Buy and gift-wrap Chapstick™.

7. Enclose an informational movie of yourself explaining how to use Chapstick™, including how to take the lid off, how to apply it, and detailing why he needs to use Chapstick™ in the first place.

6. Write, publish, and give him a book entitled, "How to Be a Magical Lackey to an Evil Emperor Who Rules Over an Imaginary Country Created By Christopher Poalini."

5. Then take it back because he already knows how to do this.

4.Buy him a lacey, frilly dress with lots of little bows that "brings out his eyes."

3. Give him Arya's bikini from the movie, telling him that it goes great with his new robes.

2. Buy him a hair-care set, complete with scissors, shampoo, bleacher, and a new color hair dye (anything other than that mauve).

1. Pay (or kidnap and force) Arya to get in a cake, surprise him, and then slap his face and run away crying. If he asks why, tell him he needs more Chapstick™.

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"Durza, dear, would you be so kind as to cut down a Christmas tree for me?" asked The Alien. Durza was inherently suspicious of her, but set out on foot to 'cut down a Christmas tree'- whatever that was. It had taken three hours, a rusty saw, and serious elbow-grease, but he had done it! Dragging it back five miles was going to be hard, however.

He had had a pretty good day. First, he received these strange things called 'presents', which consisted of a book, a black box-like thing, a smooth tube, a 'hair-care set', and a few sets of clothing that apparently went well with his eyes. He still didn't know why the Urgals had been giggling while he had shown them his new clothes.

Then he had discovered that the black box had made a moving picture of The Alien on a screen, explaining how to use the tube to 'make your lips look plump-a-licious'.

Finally, he made it back. As Durza carried in the heavy tree with strength only a Shade could wield, The Alien looked up from her book to look at him with a blank face.

"I was meaning to tell you, I don't want you going into the forest," she said blandly.

Durza looked puzzled. "Why?"

That look again, the expression one assumes when one is explaining something very simple to a small child. "_Well_," she explained slowly, "we _all_ know what happened _last_ time you were in a certain forest with a certain elf." She coughed delicately.

Durza, blissfully ignorant of his dramatized escapades, said nothing. It was then that he noticed THE CAKE. "Is that for meee?!" squealed Durza, jumping up and down. Still black-faced, The Alien nodded. "Arya, you can come out now!"

Arya burst out of the cake, still counting the stack of twenties in her hand. Durza grinned, expecting something entirely different from what actually happened next. Arya, Ze Hot Elf Princess, slapped him and ran away crying. Durza, stricken, looked at The Alien in wordless question.

"You need more Chapstick™."

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A/N: Hello! For a first fic, tell me: bad? Good? Funny? Review, please!

A/N 2: I have added the story at the bottom to change this from a list to a fic. I apologize to people who liked it the way it was, but I like my account more. :)


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